AND THE 2009 WOODY AWARD GOES TO....

TIGER WOODS       If you want to sum up this miserable year in America, look no further than the sorry saga of Tiger Woods. We live in a country that continually falls for the too-good-to-be-true scheme or person and then just can’t believe it when it’s not true. Tiger was the terminator, the steely competitor, the greatest golfer of all time (by the way, not yet), and off the course we didn’t know that much about him except he seemed to have the perfect wife and family. But why wouldn’t he engage on important issues? Why was he distant from African-Americans, from social concerns, from anything other than himself and the things that would make him richer?       Now we know. He didn’t want any scrutiny, and he wasn’t ever that interested in anything other than himself and his own pleasure. Not that interested in having a wife and kids, in particular, if that meant denying himself the carnal pleasures of the road. Lots of guys struggle with whether to have the pancakes instead of the oatmeal at Perkins; Tiger wanted to eat them both, along with the waitress. And her friends. The guy is a pig.       And a weenie. No, not that weenie. Nobody cares about the girlfriend debate of whether he’s teeing off with a Big Bertha or a Mizuno. He’s a weenie because of the demeaning way he treats women. Obsequious with the girlfriends. Disingenuous with the wife. No wonder he drives a Buick.       And now he’s supposedly coming to Arizona for the holidays, to check into a clinic in Wickenburg to cure his sex addiction. More bullshit. Who’s not addicted to sex? Most people have the habit, just not the supply. So he will emerge from the Meadows cured of his problem and ask for our forgiveness so that he can move on. He was sick, you see. He had an addiction and now he’s cured so you can start sending in your money again. It’s like the Twinkie defense, only this time it’s Ho-Ho’s . And America will probably buy it.      But not here. Tiger is a narcissist. And narcissists are ultimately boring to everyone except themselves. Like the bums on Wall Street who crashed the economy, like Bernie Madoff, like all the rest of the folks who scammed us this past year, Tiger didn’t care who he hurt as long as it worked for him. How’s that working now, Tiger? The Woody of the Year goes to Tiger Woods.

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AND THIS WEEK'S WOODY AWARD GOES TO....

RapStar and overall nice guy Chris Brown       This week’s Woody goes to R & B, A & B artist Chris Brown That’s A & B as in assault and battery. As in Rihanna. As in I’m so sorry it won’t ever happen again, unless you take my French fries or text another dude or don’t show me the proper RESPECT. As in, on probation for beating up a woman, Chris Brown, who still claims that he doesn’t have any anger management problems. But he can’t even control his anger on Twitter! He was twitraged that some stores wouldn’t carry his new CD, “Graffiti” and unleashed the following tweets:       Im not biting my tongue about shit else…the industry can kiss my ass WTF…yeah I said it and I aint retracting shit Im tired of this shit. Major stores r blackballing my cd. Not stockin the shelves and lying to custumers. What the fuck do I gotta do…      When he went to Walmart and found that they were out of his CD, he unhinged again, this time with the green eye for Alicia Keys: JUST WAS AT WALMART IN WALLINGFORD ct, THEY DIDN’T EVEN HAVE MY ALBUM IN THE BACK, NOT ON SHELVES. BUT THEY HAD ALICIA KEYS ALBUM READY FOR RELEASE THIS TUESDAY COMIN. BULLSHIT.      That would be Alicia Keys, supremely talented, not on probation, and not an A-1 asshole. Chris Brown is a loser. Don’t buy his CD. Don’t download his tunes. He’s an idiot. Don’t support him. Chris Brown gets a Woody.

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AND THIS WEEK'S WOODY AWARD GOES TO....

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid       I don’t know about you, but Harry Reid has never inspired me much with confidence that he knew what the hell he was doing. Actually, given that he has turned out to farther to the left than Marty Feldman’s other eyeball, that is a good thing. But the guy is so desperate for a win on health care that he has hit a new rhetorical low in our beloved, distinguished United States Senate.        Monday on the Senate floor, Reid compared Republicans who oppose health care reform to lawmakers who clung to the institution of slavery more than a century ago, “Instead of joining us on the right side of history, all the Republicans can come up with is, ‘slow down, stop everything, let’s start over,’he said. “If you think you’ve heard these same excuses before, you’re right. When this country belatedly recognized the wrongs of slavery, there were those who dug in their heels and said ‘slow down, it’s too early, things aren’t bad enough. When women spoke up for the right to speak up, they wanted to vote, some insisted they simply slow down, there will be a better day to do that, today isn’t quite right. When this body was on the verge of guaranteeing equal civil rights to everyone regardless of the color of their skin, some senators resorted to the same filibuster threats that we hear today.”        Of course, the latter is a reference to Senator Strom Thurmond, who was a Democrat when he filibustered in 1957, but let’s not worry about the facts. Dear Mr. So-called Leader: It is really unfair and generally offensive for you to link anyone who disagrees with you on an issue and wants you to slow down and get it right with racists and sexists of the past. Seems to me you should have slowed down and got it right before you blew the budget with a hasty, ill-conceived stimulus package.       Maybe you should have slowed down and got it right somewhere along the wayward path you helped us down in Iraq and before you create the biggest government entitlement of our lifetime that may actually reduce quality health care instead of enhance it.      Sorry if that sounded racist. Wait, nobody mentioned race. Doesn’t matter to the Leader of the US Senate, he will call you names anyway. That’s why Harry Reid gets the Woody.

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AND THIS WEEK'S WOODY AWARD GOES TO....

Tiger Woods       O.K. I want it known once and for all that we cont play favorites with the Woody. Over the years even some of my friends and won one, and now my cousin Tiger joins the club.      I'm not saying that Tiger’s Thanksgiving story was a total turkey, but come on now. This really doesn’t add up. Actually it does add up and it’s not what he’s saying. First, nothing good is happening when you speed away from your house at 2:25 a.m. and smash into a fire hydrant and a tree. Either, (a) you have sick kids who need to go to the emergency room or, (b) you’ve got a crazy wife using your car as a Titleist.      I’m not in law enforcement anymore, but what could have happened in this sequence of events? The internet is a buzz with stories and photos of Tiger down under with a hottie down under in Australia. He issues a denial and heads home. He arrives late at night and is seen high tailing it out of the house with a cut-up face. The wife says she used the 9 iron to smash in the car window after he mysteriously wrecked the car and couldn’t get out. Possible, but another explanation seems more likely. I’m just saying. He’s lucky his wife is Swedish d not Cuban. A 9 iron is better than a switchblade, believe me.      So now Tiger has clammed up. Ironic, since clamming up is what got him into trouble in the first place. He’s the world’s greatest golfer, but he’s muffed this one. Cousin Tiger gets the Woody.

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AND THIS WEEK'S WOODY AWARD GOES TO....

Tennessee Titans Owner Bud Adams       OK, the guy is 86 years old, so you say we should cut him some slack. Hell no! All the more reason he should know better. Sitting up in his box as his team creamed the hapless Buffalo Bills 41-17, the elder statesman of the Adams family suddenly went off on the Buffalo fans and started flipping them off wildly. First one hand, then the other, then both hands! He can do it all. Maybe Bud Adams had a few too many Sam Adams at halftime.       I can see going a little nuts being in Buffalo watching the Bills, but what was with this crazed obscene gesture mania? That town hasn’t seen that many birds since Alfred Hitchcock premiered his movie there in the sixties. The sight of a grown man, 86, repeatedly giving the finger to an entire stadium of people who already have it bad enough being from Buffalo was really pathetic.         Today, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell fined Adams $250,000 for his nuttiness. That’s about five thou per bird, so even Buddy Boy has to feel that one. Hand it to Adams. He makes our own hoopster Richie Rich look demure. Arizonans have complained that our own Mr. B. is boring. I will take boring over idiotic anyday. So let’s make old Bud happy—he’s got a Woody.

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AND THIS WEEK'S WOODY AWARD GOES TO....

President Jack in the Box       Jack in the Box gets the Woody.

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AND THIS WEEK'S WOODY AWARD GOES TO....

Entertainer Extraordinaire Rush Limbaugh       Rush Limbaugh hit the Sunday TV shows this week. Well, he hit bravely went on Fox News Sunday, to let people know that he really, really hates President Obama. He can’t find one good thing to say about him. Literally, he said he couldn’t name one positive thing that the President had done in the last year. Not even the old “kept us safe from terrorist attack” mantra that he used to use when struggling for something positive about old W. But he had plenty of bad things to say.       He said that Obama is not interested in any way with winning the war in Afghanistan. He said that the President’s visit to pay his respects to the families of returning deceased troops at Dover Air Force Base was just a photo op and that he didn’t care about the families. He called the President a man-child who is very narcissistic and has an out of this world ego. That’s the pot calling the kettle black, except that he probably wouldn’t use the word black.       El Rushbo accused the President of intentionally destroying the economy as part of an overall plan to deny Americans freedom and liberty. Plain and simple, according to Limbaugh, Barack Obama is currently America’s greatest enemy.       Limbaugh is way over the line here. It is true that he is an entertainer and not to be taken seriously, but the problem is that millions of rockheads do take him seriously. They take his word as Gospel and some of them are more than rockheads---they are potentially dangerous nutcases who could be pushed over the edge into thinking they are being patriots by injuring the President of the United States. And Limbaugh’s outrageous rhetoric also further coarsens the already rough debate in America today, where government is more about posturing and self-aggrandizement than problem solving.       There is a fine line between satire and ridicule, between criticism and hate. Limbaugh crossed that line this week. His hateful speech doesn’t help America, it hurts these United States. We need to be united in these difficult times and Barack Obama is our President. You can disagree with him. You can work against his policies. But to degrade and demean him reflects poorly not just on you, but on our nation.       Rush Limbaugh gets the Woody.

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AND THIS WEEK'S WOODY AWARD GOES TO....

Secretary of Treasury Timothy Geithner       Remember a year ago when the US economy was at the precipice and we had to bankrupt the treasury to save the banking system? Remember the trillion or so dollars flushed to bail out the big banks and get the clunkers off the road? Well, now everything is OK and our Treasury Secretary Tim Geitner says the recession appears to be over.       Whew, that was a close one, but now the banks are all fine and they have resumed giving out billions of dollars in bonuses to the same reckless fools who caused the problem in the first place. Geitner, who was part of the same Ivy League Wall Street Cabal that looted Main Street in the first place sees nothing wrong with them continuing to get richer while everyone else remains poorer.        His daily calendars were recently examined and revealed why he thinks things are so swell. During the first seven months of 2009, he met with virtually no one who was not associated with his holy trinity of Citigroup, JP Morgan, and Goldman Sachs. He has acknowledged a secret group of advisors, none confirmed by the Senate, all of whom are from these same three firms---the same crowd from which he comes. You wonder why there is no regulatory reform? Why a trillion in debt and no jobs except for the travel agents of the Wall Street robber barons? You wonder how we can have probably one in five adults unemployed or dramatically underemployed, IRA’s savaged, and credit unavailable for regular businessmen? Maybe because the boys sitting around over at Timmy’s house in their smoking jackets and pipes haven’t felt any pain at all. Maybe they don’t really care. Maybe they think we’re stupid. Maybe we are.        Maybe Geitner more than just looks like a Vulcan. He gets the Woody.

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AND THIS WEEK'S WOODY AWARD GOES TO....

Balloon Boy's Dad and Wife Swapper Richard Heene       Much of the country was glued to the television last week as we watched the saga unfold of the poor little boy who was cast adrift in the basket of a hot air balloon. It was compelling stuff with lots of mysteries to resolve: Where was the boy? How would we get him down? What if he fell out? What if it crashed? And, of course, how did this happen? Was he going back to Kansas and the rope unwound before Dorothy and Toto could get back in or what the heck happened here? It was good stuff. Except it was really bad stuff. All fake. All lame.       The kid turns out to be a little dude named Falcon who crested in the attic where he was hiding, not the stratosphere. The whole thing was dreamed up to get attention by his idiot dad, Richard Heene, who was so overwhelmed by his 15 minutes of fame on a show called Wife Swap that he would do anything to attract attention again. Wife Swap is a t.v. show that takes a an uptight wife from a rigid family and whipped husband and places her in a family with a bunch of wild and crazy kids and usually a slob, redneck, or just plain crazy husband. Redneck slob wife goes to the other house and generally everybody learns some sort of lesson from the whole thing, like maybe I should be reading more books.       Richard Heene was in the crazy hub category, a guy who regularly put himself and his kids in harm’s way by looking for aliens while chasing dangerous storms. The balloon in this caper looked like a junior high version of an alien spaceship and the whole thing did attract enormous attention. And scrutiny. CNN, based in Atlanta, got the scoop when the littlest Falcon blurted out through Larry King’s Miracle Ear that the whole thing was a hoax for the show. Any show. Then the little Lightyear-wannabe told Meredith Vierra the same thing on the Today show and promptly barfed up his Tang.       The dad here is a complete loser and should get charged with something. At least he should get the charge for all of the money that was wasted pursuing his dumb hoax.       For exploiting his own kid and the rest of us all for the glory of being on Wife Swap for the third time---two just isn’t enough---Richard Heene gets the Woody.

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AND THIS WEEK'S WOODY AWARD GOES TO....

Local Radio Personality JD Hayworth       Wow. This is like Joe Montana coming out of retirement to win another MVP award. Nobody won more Woodys than the former Congressman, current and perpetual blowhard JD Hayworth and now he’s done it again.        This time he is blatantly violating FEC rules and regs by using his afternoon spot on KFYI to promote his “I think I can, I think I can, Carl from Apache Junction thinks I can” wannabe candidacy against Senator John McCain in 2010. He’s the Big Caboose that Couldn’t. He won’t run, when it’s all said and done because he’s not that st…well, because he doesn’t have the guts to go all in on his little deuces. A waiter could beat him with a pair of trays, but JD is a legend in his mind so he apparently hasn’t figured that out yet.        Now this gives me the opportunity to offer an apology where one has been long overdue. Many years ago, I was credited with being the first to peg JD as a human version of Foghorn Leghorn, and that name seems to have stuck for almost a couple of decades now. JD has told many people that he thinks this comparison is unfair and a cheap shot. I have thought it over and I agree. What’s right is right.        So I hereby apologize to Foghorn Leghorn for ever comparing him to JD Hayworth. It was a low blow. Foghorn was no bigot. He didn’t see the Frito Bandito behind every Chevy. The Fogster was a blowhard, but he at least had the common sense that God gave a chicken. And although he strutted around the chicken yard belittling the little guys, he knew not to cross the line and mess with the growling dog chained up across the way.        JD seems to want to tangle with the Big Dog. Come on over once-big fella. This could be fun. But get off the public airwaves and pay your own way. Until then, the delusional, megalomaniacal former Congressman who was crushed by a former high school history teacher from Tempe, Foghorn Leg.. I mean, JD Hayworth gets a Woody.

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AND THIS WEEK'S WOODY AWARD GOES TO....

The Hollywood Supporters of director Roman Polanski       Ever since the arrest of Roman Polanski in Switzerland last week, a faction of Hollywood has stepped forward to minimize his crimes and demand his release. These people are either uninformed or totally deluded by what passes for right or wrong among celebrities. Roman Polanski was a sick, dangerous pedophile who skipped the country when he heard he might actually be punished. It’s time that the piper pays.        Whoopi Goldberg said that it wasn’t really “rape-rape,” whatever that means. Debra Winger says the case was dead except for a technicality---that little technicality apparently being the sentencing and serving your time part. Directors, actors, pseudo-intellectuals all said that this was a case that was not worth revisiting. Woody Allen even stepped forward as a character reference, along with his adopted daughter/wife.        A few facts that seem to get in the way: Polanski had a history of having sex with underage girls under fifteen; this girl was 13 and was taken from her parents under the guise that he was simply going to take some photos to help the girl in her acting career.        In his mid-forties, he talked the girl into drinking champagne despite her protests that when she had tried it before it had triggered an asthma attack. When another asthma attack ensued and she was having trouble breathing, he gave her a pill to calm her down. The pill was a Quaalude. With her now properly ill and drugged, he violently raped her and sodomized her. Then he took her home and dropped her off at her parents’ front door.        I have long advocated life in prison without parole for deviants like Roman Polanski. Had this happened, we would have been deprived of several great movies. But I’m sure there are many other little girls, now suffering grown women, who would have had a better childhood and a better life had Polanski been put in a cage where he belongs. He is an artist, yes. But he is a pervert as well, and a dangerous one. And if the judge and the prosecutors have the guts to show that the undue influence and corruption Polanski showed us in Chinatown are no longer what controls LA, then justice will prevail and he will pay for his crime.       His Hollywood supporters will be crushed by this, but the rest of America will cheer. That’s why his supporters get the Woody.

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AND THIS WEEK'S WOODY AWARD GOES TO....

The Arizona Cardinals - who are off to a 1-2 start       No, I’m not getting off the bandwagon. I am firmly on the bandwagon and have been through many horrible sweaty surrounded-by-Cowboy-fans days at Sun Devil Stadium. Since Big Red was a high school kid in an Elmo costume---back when the team and the beer was cheap. But seriously, what the hell is going on here? Ever since the moment that Larry split the backs and galloped for a touchdown late in the 4th quarter at the Super Bowl, the Cardinals have barely shown up. Horrible pre-season. Horrible opening loss at home. Reprieve in Jacksonville and then back to the trash heap on national television at home against the Colts.        And this week was especially grim. Mike Gandy looked like he was doing the Cotton Eyed Joe while Dwight Freeney spun around him. Hey, Gandy, that’s Kurt Warner behind you, not Charlie Daniels. Freeney should have thrown a quarter in Dansby’s helmet as he blew by that toll booth. And our secondary sucked. Again. Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie! Come on, dude, you’ve got to man up. Is that a hyphen in your name or a hymen? Seriously. I haven’t seen so much peeking since watching Cordes when Karie wore a low-cut blouse. Torched.        OK. We are only 1-2. No time to panic. But these guys have gone into a full blown coma since the Super Bowl. Time to snap out of it. So consider this a wake up Woody, a slumber stiffy to prod you out of hibernation and into the real world. Lively up yourselves, oh dreadlocked ones, and let’s get on with showing the world that last year was not a fluke. The Arizona Cardinals get the Woody.

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AND THIS WEEK'S WOODY AWARD GOES TO....

John Edwards - former Presidential candidate       Senator John Edwards of North Carolina came pretty darn close to being President of the United States. He was the VP candidate in 2000 when his team probably won but somehow lost. He was the most likely nominee in 2008 if someone not named Hillary got the Dem nomination in a Democratic year. And now it has become crystal clear that he is a complete 100% toolbox. Its so bad that this champion of the poor and downtrodden now lives alone in seclusion at his 100-acre estate, sitting in front of the mirror all day combing his hair and wondering what might have been.       His problems started when the little Senator started casting the votes instead of the big Senator. And the little Senator chose a sleazy little washout named Rielle Hunter to have an affair with right in the middle of a Presidential campaign. Edwards, whose wife famously is dying from cancer, has made a big deal about apologizing for about one quarter of the story at a time. But he always denies the big stuff until he can’t anymore and that day appears to be at hand.       The sordid truth emerged this week in the New York Times from the mouth of one of his closest aides. He confirmed that the affair went on for some time and that hundreds of thousands of dollars and a new BMW and a house was given to Ms Hunter to clam up. That clam stayed open, however, and she ended up knocked up instead of hushed up with little Johnny Jr.. Actually it’s a girl named Frances Quince, the Q representing the fifth child for the Senator. The aide confirms that the baby is Edwards’ and says that Johnny promised to marry Ms. Hunter as soon as his wife died and to do it in a rooftop ceremony in New York City with a performance by the Dave Mathews Band. And if that didn’t work, on top of Mt Everest while Barbra Streisand parachuted in singing The Way We Were or whatever else it takes to make you shut the hell up you stupid b…I mean, let’s do it in the fall when the leaves are changing if my wife checks out on time.       This guy was almost President. Thank you Democratic Party for almost putting him one heartbeat away from leader of the free world. Edwards has had a bad year or so. Once the darling of millions of gullible idiots and now sitting alone in front of the mirror with nothing left but his Woody. To quote Dave Mathews, Say Goodbye, Senator.

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AND THIS WEEK'S WOODY AWARD GOES TO....

Joe Wilson - South Carolina Congressman       In the jackass match between the Congressman, the hip-hop star and the tennis champion---that contest is technically called a jackoff ---the winner is the pride of the south, Joe Wilson. Wilson yelled “You lie” during the President’s address on health care to a joint session of Congress when Obama said that benefits wouldn’t apply to illegal aliens. Nancy Pelosi scowled so hard she popped a few stitches and reasonable people of both parties were appalled. So Joe Wilson apologized to the President. Well, not really, he actually apologized to the President’s Chief of Staff. And the next day he gave a video apology that was primarily dedicated to not apologizing and begging for campaign donations.       You know if you see a clown in full wardrobe walking down Central Avenue, you readily identify him as a weird clown. But if you are inside of the Glendale Arena and surrounded by a whole tent-full of them, you can lose sight of who they really are. He really isn’t that bad, you say, compared with that one over there with one eye and florescent green hair. We have the same problem with Congressmen. But, ladies and gentlemen, a clown is still a clown even when surrounded by clowns. And Joe Wilson is clown. He is not what the Founding Fathers had in mind. Aaron Burr would have kicked this guy right in the balls.        Kanye West showed he is a misogynistic megalomaniacal jerk. Not news. Serena went all ghetto when some dumbass lineswoman made one of the worst calls in the sport’s history. That’s OK---I’ve gone all ghetto on bad calls and I grew up on West 11th Place in Mesa. But this Joe Wilson guy, along with so many others in Congress from the right and the left, is an embarrassment. I would rather pay for an illegal’s health care than this guy’s---I certainly wouldn’t pay the Congressman cash to trim my palm trees. You know he would fall out of or kill the tree.         Dear good people of South Carolina: WTF? If guys like this Congressman and your Governor are your best and brightest, how do you manage to get through breakfast? Seriously, get rid of these buffoons---starting with this week’s Woody winner, Congressman Joe Wilson.

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AND THIS WEEK'S WOODY AWARD GOES TO....

Miyuki Hatoyama - Wife of Japan's Prime Minister-Elect       For those of you who have a problem with Michelle Obama---well, first, what is wrong with you anyway? How can you not like Michelle Obama?---or if you think Carla over in France is a little too racy, get ready to be blown away by the wife of Japan’s Prime Minister-elect. She is way out there.         Miuki used to be in an all-female acting troupe that did glitzy camp productions of US classics like Gone With the Wind. Believe it or not, this is actually popular in Japan. She retired from there, got married and went to work as a waitress in San Francisco where she met the PM. He says: “The average man chooses his mate from among unmarried women; I chose mine from among all women.”         Thanks, chief, I’m sure her husband appreciated that. Miuki quickly went into fashion and views herself as a clothes horse. She recently had a showing of her own designer clothes, including a skirt made from Hawaiian coffee sacks. She can wear that when her husband visits Columbia and try to seduce Juan Valdez.        She has a book out called “Very Strange Things I’ve Encountered,” which tells of the time she was abducted by aliens and taken to the planet Venus. “While my body was asleep, I think my soul rode on a triangular-shaped UFO and went to Venus. It was a very beautiful place and it was very green.” She also claim that she was good friends with Tom Cruise---no not on Venus, come on now, besides that would have been Uranus---but she was friends with him in a past life. Back when he was Japanese. She says she is looking forward to making a Hollywood movie with Cruise soon. “I believe he’d get it if I said to him, ‘Long time no see,’ when we meet,” she says.        The PW’d PM is sticking by his wife and gets down right mushy when talking about her—mushy in a rigid Japanese way: “I feel relieved when I get home. She is like an energy refueling base.” Wow, I’m going to try to work that into a song. The next first lady of Japan, Miuki Hatoyama, gets a Woody.

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AND THIS WEEK'S WOODY AWARD GOES TO....

Arizona Republic Travel Section Editor Jill Cassidy       Now this has nothing per se to do with the actual Jill Cassidy herself. I don’t know her and have really never heard of her. She could be David or Jack or Shirley Jones- or Hopalong Cassidy for all I know, but that’s the name on the masthead that says she is in charge of the Republic’s absolutely pitiful, super-lame, unreadable so-called Travel section. And it may not be all her fault. I’ve been reading that section for approximately half a century now and it has always sucked. Yes, I use to peruse it in Mrs. Girdler’s first grade class at Lincoln Elementary, already trying to plot my way to escape from Mesa. I think they had a feature on Apache Junction, which was fourteen trailers and a broasted chicken restaurant in those days, so even then they gave me no hope.        This week’s section was typical. The last page tells you where to stay in Lake Havasu or Yuma over Labor Day if you enjoy paying to leave 110 degrees to luxuriate in 190 degrees. There is always a page dedicated to the lamest things going on in Las Vegas. This week’s tip concerns how to get the great shrimp cocktail at downtown’s Golden Gate for 99 cents instead of $1.99---warning: you actually have to spend one dollar in a slot machine to get the discount. Thanks for that one.       The first page has two medium-sized articles. One is titled: Prescott slakes Old West thirst. I don’t like any headline that uses the word slake and I’m sure we all needed another guide to the three bars left on Whiskey Row. The other article was on the Hammer Museum. No not the Armand Hammer Art Museum in LA---not interested in that---but the Hammer Museum in Haines, Alaska featuring 2000 actual hammers. No matter how hammered you were, that would not be interesting in the least.        But the featured top of the fold article for our Sunday travel section that Jill put together was on a fun trip to Venezuela. That sounded promising, unless you actually read the article, which I’m sure Jill didn’t. Here are some highlights of the fun trip that they wanted Arizonans to take: “There are some hurdles-such as fly-by-night tour operators, lack of qualified guides and mediocre accommodations…” Trekking up Roraima mountain is good except for “merciless biting flies—nicknamed “la plaga,” or “the plague,”-that can make the arduous two-day hike through savannas to the top of Roraima harrowing.” Later: “Indians who serve as guides capture and eat inch-long fire ants called “bachacos” along the trail. They’ll also share a homemade beverage called “cachiri” with visitors, only to inform them later that fermented yucca and saliva are its main ingredients.” Tasty.       There’s more: “Visitors may want to fish for piranhas in muddy rivers inhabited by Orinoco crocodiles reaching up to 20 feet or help guides pull one of the world’s biggest snakes, the green anaconda, from swamplands---the snakes weigh up to 550 pounds and reach 30 feet.” This is making Yuma over Labor Day sound fantastic. If you want to go, Jill provided you with a little insert called Getting Around. Here’s what it says: “Buses are the best way to get from city to city, but service can be irregular. There are no roads to Angel Falls, so visitors must arrange flights from Ciudad Bolivar. Small airplanes—called “aero-taxis” by locals---are the safest and easiest transportation. You can take a boat up the Orinoco River along the border with neighboring Columbia, but it can be risky due to the presence of Marxist rebels in some of the areas on the Columbian side.”       The 190 degree hotels, the 99 cent shrimp, where to get slaked in Prescott, the Hammer museum, and the worst vacation in history in Venezuela---Jill Simpson and the Arizona Republic, thanks for the travel tips, you get a Woody.

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AND THIS WEEK'S WOODY AWARD GOES TO....

Pennsylvania Senator Arlen Specter       If you look up the definition of the word “spectre” in the dictionary, you get 1. a ghostly appearing figure, and 2. an unpleasant or menacing vision. If you add the word “Arlen”, you get 1. a ghostly appearing and unpleasant weasel. Senator Specter is one of the top 80 reasons for term limits currently walking or hobbling around the Senate floor. He has got to go.        Specter was never any great shakes as a Senator. But he did seem brighter than most and had at least a little common sense. But that was quite awhile ago. Nowadays he is almost exhibit A of why people think politicians are opportunistic clowns who can’t be trusted and don’t deserve to be respected. He switched parties this year and admitted it was only because he couldn’t get elected anymore as a Republican. He was now a committed Democrat, except he really wasn’t, he was just trying desperately to do whatever it took to stay in his cushy job. Pathetic.         Now he has taken at least four or five different sides of the health care debate. He has concerns about the public option but thinks we might need it but maybe we won’t but probably we do or maybe we should just take this thing one step at a time but you do have to seize opportunities when they present themselves but there is something to be said for taking what you can get and not biting off more than you can chew but maybe you should just go for it or maybe not right now but if not now when? He was on Face the Nation Sunday saying it would be simply wrong to try to pass health care reform as a budget resolution requiring only 51 instead of 60 votes and he prefers to do it the right way and couldn’t support such a move at all, unless it was down to the very last minute and there was no real alternative in which case he might consider it. Weasel!        Dear Senator Specter: Hang it up. It’s all gone. Whatever you once had has now left the building. To see you bobbing and weaving and doing whatever you can to try to squeeze out a few more votes is absolutely pathetic. Stop it. Senator Arlen Specter gets a Woody.

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AND THIS WEEK'S WOODY AWARD GOES TO....

PGA CHAMPION Y.E. YANG       Think of the storied history of golf’s major champions. Nicklaus, Palmer, Hogan, Snead, Tiger Woods. Think of the great PGA Tournament Champions of the past---storied names like Walter Hagen, Byron Nelson, Gary Player, Jack Nicklaus, Tiger Woods. And now one more great name: Y.E. Yang. Come on, get serious. IQ test: Which name doesn’t belong? But I guess it does since he was the one holding up the Wannabe Trophy after beating Tiger in a final round head to head matchup where Tiger started with the lead. There it was on the seventeenth hole, Tiger down by one and you just know that here comes the impossible ridiculous shot is coming to win the tournament. And it did. By Y. E. Frigging Yang! What? This finish was a dog—and not the kind they stew up in Korea.        Look, I’m usually all for the underdog—just not against my nephew Tiger. During the early days when he was a kid and I was working on his swing with him over at Mesa Country Club, I knew he was something special. What is special about Y.E. Yang? He doesn’t even have a first name. Who’s his hero—Y.A. Tittle? Initials for a first name are sometimes cool and sometimes not. JD: Salinger yes, Hayworth no. BJ: Surhoff yes, Fivedollah no. Some are never cool, ie. Y.E.        So lets get back to the big guys squaring off like it used to be. Palmer v. Nicklaus, Hogan v. Snead, Watson v. Faldo. Not Y.E. Yang v. Frank Lickliter. Bring in the Shark, send back the Soybeans.       PGA Champ YE Yang gets Tiger and gets a Woody.

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AND THIS WEEK'S WOODY AWARD GOES TO....

Diamondbacks' CF Chris Young (Batting .194)       Chris Young seems like a nice young man. But he’s killing us and has been killing us for a long time. And I’m talking first degree murder here. The new geniuses at the Dbacks signed him through 2014 for 28 million dollars. And since he signed that big fat ridiculous contract, how has he been doing? He batted .159 in May, .200 in July, and is knocking them out at a mighty .118 so far in August. He’s on the interstate with four flat tires and a bald  spare. His on base percentage in May was .176, tying Steven Wonder of the Detroit Tigers.        But why give him the Woody now? Always a good fielder, he is starting to botch balls now, including two in one game a few games ago.. But the final called strike on Chris Young was at Nationals stadium this past weekend, when after another miserable effort, CY decided he had to take a Byrnes and went into the visiting team’s bathroom. Where he stayed for the next hour because he locked himself in and the door broke. Forget getting it out of the park, this guy can’t get out of the crapper. They had to call the fire department to break down the door. Everyone was surprised that Young couldn’t just pop up the handle, since that’s about all he does these days.        Take all of our money and promptly lay down and die–OK we’re getting used to it, right Eric dude? But when you strike out on getting yourself out of the can, you’ve crossed the line.        Chris Young gets a Woody.

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AND THIS WEEK'S WOODY AWARD GOES TO....

Diamondbacks' GM Josh Byrnes (38-51; 18.5 games behind first place)       It’s the middle of summer and hotter than hell here in good old Az and we need something to distract us other than the lizards passed out on the asphalt. Here’s something fun: how about baseball? America’s pastime. The grand old game.       How about a trip to ballyard to see our very own Arizona Diamondbacks, the best AAA team in the majors today. And who can we thank for taking us from first to worst?       Besides the owners, let’s give a tip of the cap to GM Josh Byrnes.       As we’ve pointed out thousands of times in the past few months, the Dbacks did not even field a team that could win this year. No power. No catcher. No bullpen. No closer. But we do have the star of the Eric Byrnes show, or did until he took one on the hand and mercifully took the rest of the summer off. The pity of it is that the Dbacks are not that far away. Except in the standings. I would rather have Mr. Burns from the Simpsons playing left or making the trades than our twin killers Eric and Josh.        Byrnes traded Carlos Quentin and he became a superstar. He traded Jose Valverde, who had led the league in saves, for the weakling Chris Burke and the non-closer Chad Qualls. He traded Micah Owings for Adam Dunn and then let Dunn go (who needs 40 homers and 100 RBI five years in a row? Not us. We have Chris Young, who pops up more than that dude in the Cialis commercials). He let Orlando Hudson go so he could jumpstart the Dodgers and signed Big Jon Rausch to a new contract. I think the song was called Big Bad Jon---he should be buried at the bottom of a worthless pit. And of course he signed, again, Tony Clark, who used to be OK. Great. Let’s get Willie Mays to play center. He used to be great. And he still wouldn’t drop a gimme at first for game.        And we recently learned about another one that got away. Ian Kinsler, leadoff hitter for the Texas Rangers, killed us when he was here a few weeks ago. Seems we signed him twice and let him go twice. Wouldn’t want him. Local boy. All-Star last year. And then there is Josh’s jump the shark hiring of AJ Hinch, boy blunder, who coached the first game of his life as a major league manager. Never even coached little league. And it shows. Clueless. But the team has really responded. Not. And the outstanding news: he’s signed through 2012. Plenty of time to learn, here at the AAA level.       Thanks for ruining our summer. Josh Byrnes gets the Woody.

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AND THIS WEEK'S WOODY AWARD GOES TO....

South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford (R)       OK, we gave this guy a pass for some strange reason last week with all of the other competition for goof of the week. But he’s back again today and its clear that this guy has got to have a Woody.        His story is legendary now. Uptight Bible beater, holier than thou Governor disappears for days after telling his staff and family that he’s going hiking on the Appalachian Trail over Father’s Day weekend (see ya, Dad) and winds up a little south with his mistress in Argentina. He’s caught at the airport and has a tearful press conference with way TMI and decides to hand over the reigns of the Republican Governors Association to Mississippi’s Haley Barbour, who is only in bed with lobbyists and never screws foreigners, only the public right here in the good old USA. Today he gave an interview where he revealed that he has “crossed lines” with a handful of women other than Chiquita Maknobo—and had physical encounters but never sex with them. I thought you “crossed lines” when fishing with amateurs, but maybe he was fly fishing. I don’t know what the Governor is referring to (blowjxyxyzx) or what he did that was over the line but not sex in his mind (handjxyxyzx). But he was definitely doing more than reading his briefs in the back of the town car (dry huxyxyzx).       He also revealed today that he spent two wild weekends in New York with his mistress before meeting her there a third time with a “trusted spiritual advisor” who served as a chaperone. The three went to church and dinner before parting ways after a crazy threesome with a guv sandwich and some habanero sauce. Nice. Oh, he didn’t admit to that yet.       The Governor says he knew it would be difficult to put the genie back in the bottle, but the real problem was putting his hank back in his pants. Governor Sanford: you’re acting like a goofy ninth grader who just got his first hummer behind the bleacher before the JV football game.Knock it off and get your shit together you little goof. For God’s sake, shut up, resign, move on, and stop telling us about how her tan lines made you woozy.       Somebody slap this guy or throw some ice water on him. Governor Mark Sanford has got a Woody.

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AND THIS WEEK'S WOODY AWARD GOES TO....

Representative Michele Bachmann (R)       We seem to get a lot of loons representing us from the frozen north, including Minnesota. Is the loon the state bird of Minnesota? I don’t know, but I’m going to email Jesse Ventura and ask him right after the show. The latest entry from the land of 10,000 lakes and 5 billion mosquitoes is Rep. Michele Bachmann, who is another one of these folks who says God told her to run for Congress so she did even though she didn’t really want to. Who says God doesn’t have a sense of humor?       Since being elected, Bachmann has called the Obama administration a “gangsta government” (way to get ziggy with it) and, like many self-proclaimed fiscal conservatives, found herself ranked third out of 435 in office spending as a Congresswoman.       This week she announced that she was not going to participate in the census this year, other than telling them how many people lived in her house. She would refuse to answer any other questions because she was afraid of the involvement of ACORN, the new whipping boy of boviators from the right, and because of the politicization of the census by this Administration. A rep from the Census Bureau pointed out that to refuse to answer the questions is against the law and can result in a $5000 fine. Not to mention the great example she’s setting for her fellow Americans. Rep. Bachmann turns it into overdrive when she further complains that the census is now very intricate and very personal. Intricate? Are you on food stamps? Personal? What is your race?       Michele, Michele, my belle, surely even you can weave your way through that complicated maze of intricate questions. And as for ACORN, they have actually done some good work in the past. Some questionable, some good. They are not the RED MENACE. Don’t sweat their involvement in getting the census out. Needs to be done. Just fill out your forms and get back to investigating whether the moon landing was a hoax or if Obama has a birth certificate.       Rep. Michele Bachmann, she of the perpetual brain freeze, gets a Woody.

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AND THIS WEEK'S WOODY AWARD GOES TO....

David Letterman       David Letterman had the chance to ingratiate himself to the heartland the past few weeks as an alternative to Conan O’Brien, now that this generation’s Bob Hope, aka Jay Leno, had moved on. Letterman was a little too edgy or cynical for many red-staters, so they made Jay #1 over the years. Conan is a little too Bart Simpson for all these Ned Flanders, however, so now was a perfect time to make a run at them. Well, forget that. Instead of reaching out to them, Dave picked a fight with one of their icons---their political Britney Spears---the almost Vice-President Sarah Palin. He cracked a joke about her daughter getting knocked up by Yankee star Alex Rodriquez while she and her Mom were at a recent game, and Sarah called foul. Dave offered the excuse that he was talking about her 18 year old daughter, who had famously gotten knocked up before and then embarked on an Abstinence Tour, but Palin appropriately labeled that as “lame.” The joke wasn’t funny and it was out of bounds. It was clearly about the 14 year old, who’s never done anything to subject herself to this ridicule. The children of politicians should be off limits, even when they are being shamelessly exploited by their parents. Ridicule the parents, not them. Believe me, nine times out of ten they would have no part of any of it if they had the choice. Now I’m no fan of Sarah Palin. She performed as well as she could as a VP candidate, but she was a ridiculous choice. She remains a ridiculous choice for anything outside of Fairbanks or the centerfold of Field and Stream. But David Letterman, with his continued destructive behavior toward conservative political figures, is keeping them relevant and in the news. In many circles, it is not so bad to be in a feud with the liberal elites from New York City. Dave is keeping her political career alive. For this, and for his lame joke about her kid, David Letterman gets the Woody.

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AND THIS WEEK'S WOODY AWARD GOES TO....

Mark Geragos       We all You remember this guy. He’s Michael Jackson’s boy. Let me rephrase that. He was Michael Jackson’s lawyer. Used the defense that Beat It didn’t really mean that. And now he’s Chris Brown’s lawyer. Using the defense that Beat It didn’t really mean that. And apparently he’s also the lawyer for the family of deceased actor David Carradine---back to saying that Beat It really didn’t mean that.        Geragos wants us to waste the FBI’s time and resources to disprove that Carradine was a perv on holiday in aptly named Bangkok and instead run with the Geragos theory. He says that the death of the Kung Fu star could have been brought about by a secret sect of Kung Fu assassins as Carradine---in his seventies--- probed their shadowy activities. He was on a secret mission to uncover groups working in the martial-arts underworld.        Hmmm. And to “uncover” them he hid in a closet with a rope tied around his neck, wrists and genitals with a wig and a bottle of Viagra laying on the floor? Good one, Mark. Hey, I could care less how Kung Fu got through the night. But let’s leave the FBI to work on terrorism and financial scammers, not why Grasshopper couldn’t tie a square knot correctly. But I’m sure he knew the Sheep Bend. (Apology for the obscure Eagle Scout knot joke).       Headline here: No fowl play. This time the chicken choked back, and attorney Mark Geragos got a Woody.

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AND THIS WEEK'S WOODY AWARD GOES TO....

(LIFELOCKED) PHOENIX Mercury       We all wondered how long it would be until the United States succumbed to the trend of allowing companies, rather than cities, to sponser sports teams. The answer is that the time is here and the first offender is right here in Arizona. No, the Whiffer is not sponsoring the Diamondbacks, although they are trying to get Mark Reynolds as a spokesman. Chris Young is going to Cialis since nobody can pop up like him. The Coyotes passed on Phillips and Associates, even though they do bankruptcies for little or no money down.        No, the first team to cave in is our own WNBA team, formerly the Phoenix Mercury, now the Lifelock Mercury. Yes, Lifelock is swiping the team’s Phoenix identity, and apparently won a bidding war with Old Spice to get our team. Great, Lifelock leads the league in steals and picks. Disclaimer: I am co-counsel in a class action suing Lifelock for being, according to the lawsuit, a huge ripoff, so this is doubly troubling for me.       How long will it be until we see other sports follow? Randy Johnson on the mound for the Depends Giants. Kurt Warner starting QB for the Hour of Power Cardinals (that’s not a towel behind center, it’s a prayer cloth). And the minor leagues–don’t even ask. The Video Professor Roadrunners. The Step-in Bathtub Bay Bears. No.      Most bad ideas start in California. But this one started in Arizona—thank you Richie Rich for striking again. Take the Suns from first to worst in one short year and now sell out to Lifelock. You couldn’t at least have found a solid All-American company like General Motors?       This week’s Woody goes to the Lifelock Mercury.

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AND THIS WEEK'S WOODY AWARD GOES TO....

Nevada Governor Jim Gibbon (R)       Maybe the Republican Party can skip its next Image Conference and have an Etiquette Conference instead. It seems that they have forgotten a few of the finer points of how to behave when you're out of power. I'm not talking about the typical mouthbreather on talk radio (Carl from Apache Junction on line 3 is pretty much a lost cause). I'm talking about the bigwigs, the elected officials and party stars that still don't get it. Dick Cheney hasn't learned the 12th Commandment that you don't leave office and immediately start hammering your successors. You don't see George W. doing that---yes, I know this would require a total understanding of the issues and weaning himself away from the SpongeBob marathon on cable---just like previous Presidents and Veeps haven't done it. Rush Limbaugh thinks about it for maybe five or ten seconds and calls the next memeber of the US Supreme Court a racist. And Governor Jim Gibbon, Republican from Nevada, stiffs the President this week by refusing to greet him at the airport. Governor Gibbon (whoop, whoop---that's Gibbon talk) is demanding an apology from President Obama for saying that corporate executives getting bailout shouldn't be flying their jets off to Vegas. This statement, according to GG, has contributed mightily to the flattening of the Vegas economy. So he won't shake Obama's hand. Dear Governor Gibbon (whoop, whoop): When the President comes to your state you go to the airport and greet him. By the way, your state voted for him less than a year ago. They probably want you to treat him with respect. Even if you disagree with him. And your disagreement? Dumb. People who are out of a job or broke have reconsidered paying $250 to see Celine Dion sing the Titanic song. They've got their own Titanic going. After your 401k magically disappears, you don't have a C note to see some Chinese acrobats vanish into thin air. So, Governor Gibbon, please show up at the Republican etiquette conference and learn some manners. Mommy, what is that Gibbon doing over in the corner of his cage. He's holding his Woody.

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WHAT IS A WOODY?

THE WOODY AWARD IS PRESENTED EACH WEEK TO, WELL, LET'S JUST SAY THE BIGGEST KNUCKLEHEAD TO MAKE THE NEWS. IT ISN'T ALWAYS THE BIGGEST STORY, AND THERFORE, CAN SOMETIMES FLY UNDER THE RADAR. THAT IS UNTIL GRANT DIGS AROUND AND UNEARTHS IT.

AND HERE AT GRANTWOODS.COM, WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! SO SUBMIT YOUR NOMINATION FOR THIS WEEK'S WOODY AWARD. GRANT WILL LOOK OVER ALL THE SUBMISSIONS AND MAY OR MAY NOT BE CONVINCED BY YOUR REASONS. ANYWAY GRANT WILL BE READING SOME OF THE SUGGESTIONS DURING THE WOODY SEGMENT OF THE SHOW.

JUST SEND YOUR SUGGESTION TO WOODY@GRANTWOODS.COM.

AND THIS WEEK'S WOODY AWARD GOES TO....

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi       Strike up the band. Nancy Pelosi is ready to give another version of her waterboard briefing meeting and that means it’s time to dance! One-two cha cha cha. Side step cha cha cha. The only thing worse than waterboarding might be listening to Pelosi give her tortured explanations about what she was or wasn’t told and what she did or didn’t do about it.        The crazy thing is that everybody knows what happened. We weren’t there and we know. She was there and acts like she doesn’t. It was not that long after 9/11 and the spooks came in and talked spookily and everyone was a little scared. They mentioned waterboarding and nobody said boo. You know they said they were doing it and would do it again (like these guys cared what anybody thought?), and nobody objected. Too bad. They should have objected. But they didn’t.        So now its many years later and the war is unpopular and its strategists are seen as bad guys by many and Nancy Pelosi wants to be on the right side of the issue. She wants to be with the smug elites on the left, not the scary dudes on the right. But the truth puts her on the wrong team. So now she’s lying. Either she is lying or the CIA is lying about whether the CIA lied to her. I’m going with her as the big Pinocchio.        So now we get the spectre of the Speaker of the House squirming around like Roger Clemens and Newt Gingrich on every channel trying to take the moral high ground. When you give a pygmy the high ground, you’ve had a bad week. And this story is wagging the dog, while the real issue takes a backseat.        That’s why Nancy Pelosi gets a Woody.

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Congressman Jim Moran (D-Va.)       If you are a congressman and you want to get your name on a piece of legislation, God knows there are a million different crises out there that could merit your attention. Probably fifty or so related to the economy. Another couple of dozen related to foreign policy. Then there is national security, health care, immigration, education…the list goes on and on. So what burning issue did Virginia’s Jim Moran choose out of all of these worthy pursuits? He introduced a bill this week to ban erectile disfunction ads on television except after 10 pm and before 6 am. The Virginia Democrat thinks they corrupt family values, so he wants them out of here.        Now I don’t always get these ads. They started with some subtlety. Remember the guy throwing the football through the tire? Got that. Then it quickly moved to a hot middle aged brunette a couple of years ago talking about how she enjoyed the quality of her man’s …her man’s…you know, anyway just seeing her purr about much she enjoyed the thing made the product unneeded, so they dumped her. Now we have the strange sight of naked couples in separate oldtime bathtubs out in the middle of nowhere. I don’t know what that’s all about, but wouldn’t that water be extra cold and therefore extra challenging to the product?        Anyway, lots of people are uncomfortable with this kind of advertising. Major League Baseball didn’t renew a five year sponsorship with Viagra after the Diamondbacks complained that it was making their players pop up. And with their owner being such a stiff, he didn’t want the competition.        Dear Congressman Moran: Please get serious. We don’t need you regulating the ads on television. I would rather see a couple of grandparents with a sly grin hustling up the stairs anyday than Jeff Phillips begging drunks to come see him for little or no money down. At least Grandma knows she’s getting screwed. And Virginia voters: If your desire to vote again for Congressman Jim Moran lasts longer than four hours, please go to the doctor and get your head examined.       On his own, with no pharm aid whatsoever, Congressman Jim Moran has got a Woody.

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AND THIS WEEK'S WOODY AWARD GOES TO....

Montana Juror Extraordinaire Eric Slye       Eric Slye was called to jury duty in district court in Gallatin County, Montana earlier this year. He didn’t want to serve, which isn’t unusual. What is unusual is what he wrote in the potential juror form to try to get out of serving. Suffice it to say that Judge John Brown was not happy. Here is what the inaptly named Eric Slye wrote to the judge:  CLICK TO ENLARGE LETTER        “Apparently you morons didn’t understand me the first time. I CANNOT take time off from work. I’m not putting my family’s well-being at stake to participate in this case. (So far, not too bad). I don’t believe in the ‘justice system’ and I don’t want to have a godamn thing to do with it. (A little strong. Swearing is usually frowned upon by judges) Jury duty is a complete waste of time. I would rather count the wrinkles on my dog’s balls than sit on a jury. (Not good) Get it through your thick skulls. Leave me the fuck alone.” (Done)       Not only did Eric write this nice note, but he had it notarized and sent to the judge. The judge hauled him in under the threat of a contempt citation, but let him off with a stern talking-to. Too bad. A good sentence would have been to have him actually have to count the wrinkles on his dog’s balls. Quite an image you’ve given us all, Eric.        Thanks for that. You get a Woody.

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Queen of  Gossip Perez Hilton       I don’t know about you, but I’m starting to dislike anyone named Hilton. I guess Perez is Spanish for Paris, if Perez means disgusting, wannabe, no-talent, let’s dumb down the culture even more, gossip-monger. But other than that he seemed OK. But that was until he hosed Miss California during the Miss USA contest. Not that he actually hosed her---he’s not into that, figuratively and literally---but he certainly screwed her over. By asking her opinion of gay marriage and then throwing a little hissy fit over her response, and giving her a zero for her answer, he may have cost her the crown. Cost her the crown! I mean, OMG!          Miss California will be alright. She moved right up their in our entertainment world with the third and fourth place finishers of American Idol. She can milk that for the next few years, and I for one will be watching her do it. By the way, who won? Nobody knows or cares. I’m sure she’s a talented young lass herself, but now it’s all about Miss California. Especially among Republicans and the evangelicals. I mean, honestly, is this not their ultimate fantasy? A super hot chick in a bikini dogging gay marriage. Look for her at the Nebraska Lincoln Day dinner next year or with Joel Osteen next Sunday.          By the way, this should end the debate on whether you’re born that way or choose your sexuality. Any guy who would rather snuggle up to Perez Hilton than Miss California is not making a rational choice. Please. It’s in his genes. And keep it there, Perez, along with your political opinions. This is a scholarship and talent show after all. It’s not about who’s got the best bod or the most cogent opinions. It’s about tap dancing and ventriloquism and world peace and helping children. Didn’t you know that?         Strike up the band, Perez Hilton has got a Woody.

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JEFFREY PHILLIPS      The ubiquitous ads of Phillips and Associates may never be the same again. The State Bar has recommended the suspension of Jeff Phillips and his top lawyer and fellow TV star, so that Phillips would have to reapply to ever practice law again.       If the Arizona Supreme Court agrees, you will have to get your aggressive legal representation in the future from _______ and associates, because Phillips will have nothing to do but sit in the bathroom draining the grease out of his hair and working on his Lester the Molester cheesy grin.         It seems that Arizona’s Law Firm, as they like to be called, hires used car salesman types to greet the customer who responds to their dopey ads. These guys work you over for credit cards and cash before you ever get to see a lawyer. The State Bar frowns on this for some reason. This is not to mention the ads that feature the obvious alcoholic with the gin blossom nose who says his lawyer got him off his dui---that’s good news---or the complete deadbeat who needs help with his bankruptcy. Or the ads where they say they’ll be happy to visit you in the hospital if you get hit by a bus so they can sign you up. How thoughtful. Most people bring flowers or balloons, they bring a fee agreement.         Most advertising lawyers are a detriment to the profession. They are far from the best and they come across as the worst. They often encourage irresponsibility and litigiousness and make lawyers look more like Crazy John the Stereo Madman than Atticus Finch or Clarence Darrow.        Shed no tears for Jeffrey Phillips. He may be getting the boot from practicing law, but he will always have a future. Look out Billy Mays. From one sham to another, Arizona’s Shammy may be on the way.        For little or no money down, Jeff Phillips gets a Woody.

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BILLY BOB THORNTON           Billy Bob Thornton gave a really strange interview to Canadian radio last week and somehow managed to piss off an entire country. He was in Canada with his new band to promote their new album---their third in a year and nobody has ever heard of them---and their tour opening for Willie Nelso and Ray Price. Billy Bob apparently made it clear that he wasn’t to be asked about acting, nor was it to be mentioned, since he was there as a musician. The interviewer simply mentioned that Billy Bob was a famous actor and that was enough to send BB over the edge.           He claimed to have never met Willie Nelson and said he didn’t know how long the band had been together. He had no musical influences except to discuss how he entered a movie monster contest when he was a kid. He said that the interviewer wouldn’t ask Tom Petty about whether or not he was passionate about music, so why did he ask Billy Bob? Better question: why did he even interview Billy Bob, who is obviously an egomaniacal nutjob who thinks he’s oh so much smarter and cooler than everyone else.           Billy Bob’s biggest mistake was saying that Canadian audiences were strange and pretty reserved. He said they were like mashed potatoes without the gravy. That may be true, who knows, but its not too swift for such a genius guy to say that right before going on tour before those same mashed potatoes. On the first night, the gravy kicked in and he was booed off the stage. There was no second night. The rest of the tour, at least for Billy Bob, was cancelled. Willie may be mellow, but he’s no dummy.           There is one good thing about Billy Bob, though. He is living proof that no matter how famous or rich or good looking Brad Pitt is, he has to live every day knowing that he is following up Billy Bob with Angelina. That’s like shacking up with Wilma Flintstone after Fred left. Knowing your wife slept with Karl from Slingblade can’t be good.            For being a complete ass and getting his whole tour cancelled in one thirteen minute interview, Billy Bob Thornton gets the Woody.

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AND THIS WEEK'S WOODY AWARD GOES TO....

THE PHOENIX SUNS (for their 'Big Game' effort vs. Dallas)           This year’s train wreck of a season is mercifully coming to a fitting close.  Out of the playoffs, out of gas, out of hope for the future.  By the way, I’ve got two nice seats for the finale against Golden State---sure to be a classic---if anyone has five bucks they want to part with.   Whose scrubs are worse?  I guess we’ll find out.  The MCSO executed a search warrant on Robin Lopez’s hair and found two ticket stubs to Phish, a broken comb, a baggie with an unknown substance, but sadly they found no game.        The big game against Dallas Sunday turned out to be the Big Lame.  How do you come into the biggest game of the year, with your whole season on the line, and give up 81 points in the first half?  I’ve seen better defense on Judge Judy.  It’s would be hard to score 81 against Ray Charles and the Raylettes, much less an NBA team.  It’s always a great idea to leave a team’s best shooter unguarded from three at key junctures.  Hey, Jason Terry’s  been making those for his entire life, he’s due to start missing.  Why not now?          So the season is over.  Hard to close the gap when you lose 9 of 10 on the road down the stretch.  So where do we go from here?  Maybe we can reach out to North Korea.  No not for a mystery player, but to lob a missile our way and blow up this team.  Got to happen.  Who needs to go?  Let’s start with Richie Rich, the owner who knows nothing about hoop.  And Steve Kerr, who’s trade acumen took us from first place to out of the playoffs in a single year.  I mean, who’s got an eye out for this franchise---except Amare, who also need to be dished.  And Shaq deserves to play where he can win---send him to Cleveland.  He can still play, but probably not with this concoction.  That doesn’t leave  much, but it gives us room to build.  And we haven’t got much now.         What a meltdown in one year.  We were the team nobody wanted to play and everybody wanted to watch.  Now we’ll spend Easter trying to forget that embarrassing egg we laid in Dallas.        The Phoenix Suns get the Woody.

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MASSACHUSETTS' CONGRESSMAN BARNEY FRANK            I would think that if you were as wrong as Congressman Barney Frank has been over the past few years, you might consider laying low for awhile. Oh, wait, I forgot he’s a politician. Like the weatherman, they have no problem with being totally wrong day after day, and yet coming back again to boldly tell us what’s next.            This week Barney attacked Justice Antonin Scalia, calling him a homophobe. It is pretty serious for the Chairman of a major House committee to publicly say that a member of the US Supreme Court is a bigot. And it is completely unfair. Just because you disagree with someone on a civil rights issue doesn’t mean you are a bigot. Scalia is not a bigot. I suspect that he is now actually what could be called a Frankaphobe. Count me in. I have a strong fear of anything Barney Frank.       This is the guy who pronounced Fannie and Freddie just fine all the way to their implosion. In fact, he played a major role in helping them implode by trying to force them to make subprime loans to poor credit borrowers under the theory that everyone deserves to own their own home. Now I think the guy should be run out of town for this----it has nothing to do with his preference for Freddy’s fanny; I could care less where he sticks it as long as he stops sticking it to us the taxpayers.       Dear Barney: The justice isn’t a homophobe. He probably isn’t even a Frankaphobe, since this implies an irrational fear of you. I think its actually a very legitimate fear. With you in charge of banking, we should all be very, very afraid.  Look out America, Barney Frank has got a Woody.

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TMZ HOST HARVEY LEVIN            Harvey Levin has floated around the television world for some time trying to be somebody.  He used to interview the litigants after People’s Court to see how they liked Judge Wopner’s decision.   You know, important  journalism like that. He quit when his Q rating came in lower than Rusty the bailiff.     But now Harvey is riding high with his sleazy tabloid show TMZ.  He sends cameras out throughout Hollywood and elsewhere to try to film show biz types, mostly B and C so-called celebrities, as they get out of cars or try to walk down the street.  Fascinating stuff.  A twenty year old with a camera yells out to Nicole Ritchie about how did she like her dinner.  (In case you’re wondering, both bites were yummy.)  Hey, Kanye, where’s Fiddy?  (Answer: F you).  Harvey moderates all of this while drinking a Thirstbuster and trying to act cool.  Emphasis on the trying.        This week, Harvey was in the news announcing that TMZ was going to get into the world of politics.  Harvey said they could be the CNN for the next generation, getting today’s young people interested in politics and the issues.  For example, he said, they had their cameras follow AIG executives around and this resulted in 1.6 billion dollars being returned to the taxpayers by AIG.  If they do more of this, he reasons, they can get the kids interested first in the personalities involved in politics and then in the issues they are discussing.        Dear Harvey:  Please, don’t flatter yourself.  You are a carnie barker, selling tickets to the freak show.  Nothing more. That AIG tale?  Didn’t happen.  They didn’t return any money and if they had it wouldn’t have been because of your dopey show.  Getting people involved in politics seems admirable, but I’m going to vote no on your plan.  Anyone imbecilic enough to watch your show should not be allowed to vote in the first place.  Disqualified.  Put it in the Constitution.  If you are not a citizen or if you watch TMZ, you cannot participate in the electoral process.  So Harvey, stick with interviewing those crazy kids from High School Musical.  Congress is screwed up enough without you lurking around.      TMZ’s Harvey Levin gets a Woody.

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FORMER VICE PRESIDENT DICK CHENEY       When I left the AG’s office, I decided to take a cue from former President George H.W. Bush and refrain from any negative comment about the job my successor was doing. I figured that she had enough to handle without dealing with Monday morning quarterbacking from me. Besides, I knew enough to realize that decisions are often different when you have all of the facts on the inside, as opposed to just how things appear. I am happy to see that the second President Bush has just vowed to observe the same policy.        But somebody didn’t get the memo. No surprise. Dick Cheney showed little respect for protocol or the spirit of the law or the Constitution during those long, long eight years when he was Vice-President, so why would he start now? He went on CNN Sunday and blasted President Obama on pretty much all fronts. Worst, he said that Obama had put the nation at greater risk of terrorist attack by stopping the torture of our enemies. He lamented the passing of waterboarding. He claimed that the Bush administration had little responsibility for the current economic crisis and criticized Obama for how he was handling it. He said he “loved” Rush Limbaugh and would pay to see Obama debate Limbaugh on the radio.        This guy is seriously scary. And dilluded. Its great that he wants the President of the United States to debate a radio entertainer, when as Vice-President he was more reclusive than Howard Hughes at a flea market. Cheney is like Mr. Potter from It’s a Wonderful Life, if Mr. Potter was having a bad day. Morose, blind to history, imperious, cynical, imperialist---just what we need to restore confidence in the country again.       Dear aptly named Dick: Please go away. You played a major role in screwing up this country like its never been screwed before. So thanks but no thanks for the advice. We would have to be absolutely crazy to listen to a word you say. You blew it. You know it and we know it. And if you really don’t get it, then you are even scarier than you seem.       After eight years of screwing the country royally, Dick Cheney gets a Woody.

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LA Dodger Manny Ramirez       OK, I want to face the criticism of this pick right up front. I know you’re saying that I’m just bitter because Manny killed the Diamondbacks last season. I reject that criticism; I mean, what did he really do anyway? We were in first when the Dodgers got him and he knocked us out of the playoffs. He batted around .400 during the regular season and around .500 in the playoffs. And, all he did was bat over .600 against the Dbacks. Now what’s the big deal? Why would I be bitter?       Well, maybe just a little bit. But Manny gets the Big Wood this week because of his ridiculous contract talks and comments afterwards. He was offered $45 million for two years by the Dodgers and turned it down. Turned it down. When he was flooded by silence from every other team, he went back and took the deal. Nice negotiating---almost left 45 mil on the table, forgetting that most teams want no part of a guy who absolutely quit on his previous team, refusing to play or try for the Boston Red Sox.         Manny’s comments last week were heartwrenching. “Sometimes you’re better off to have a two-year deal in a place that you’re going to be happy than have an eight-year deal in a place that you’re going to, you know, suffer.”  Now we know. Manny was suffering while being paid $160 million by the Red Sox and winning two World Series. Suffering! I don’t know how he got through it.         Dear Manny: Read a paper now and then if you can. There’s a recession going on. Millions of people are newly unemployed.  Life savings have been wiped out in a flash. You are being paid an insane amount of cash to play a game. You are not suffering. Maybe it was just a problem with your English. Maybe you meant to say that you are insufferable.         Here’s to an injury and slump-filled year for ManRam.   But for now, he’s doing alright. He’s got 45 mil and a Woody.

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Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal      This week was supposed to be the coming out party for Lousiana Governor Bobby Jindal ---his first foray into the national spotlight in hopes of replicating Barack Obama’s sprint to the White House. But if we stick with the track analogy, let’s just say he stumbled out of the blocks, dropped the baton , jumped the gun, hit the hurdle---OK, enough already, you get the picture. He blew it.       The plan was to roll him out with the Republican response to the President’s first address to Congress. Is it possible to kill a career with one appearance on national television? I called Joaquin Phoenix and he said yes. First, Jindal, 37, looked and acted 17. If this was high school speech class he would have fit right in and got a B. But following Obama’s address, whichin delivery was one of his best ever, it looked like the Republicans were sending in the team manager at the end of the last game of the season to let him shoot one while the real athletes watched from the bench. He was terrible.       Let’s face it, he looks kind of goofy. The Slumdog actors proved how beautiful folks from India can be. Jindal proved that they can also be pencil necked geeks. Then it came out that some of his hokey anecdotes about Katrina weren’t true---he made them up.       Did he think nobody would check?       After this pratfall, his 60 Minutes piece was anticlimactic. But it contained this gem. Since he and his wife seem to be obsessed with rejecting all things that appear Indian, he changed his Indian name to Bobby. No, not because he was inspired by the courage and compassion of Bobby Kennedy, but because of the inspiration of one Bobby Brady.       Yes, of the Brady Bunch.       Watching him blow it this week, I could only think that he was watching the wrong old TV show all those lonely afternoons when he wasn’t playing sports. He should have been watching The Andy Griffith Show. He would have better, more sympathetic homespun stories to make up, and he would have cribbed a more appropriate name. This week’s Woody goes to the Governor of Louisiana---Bobby “Goober” Jindal.

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Illinois Senator and former Attorney General Roland Burris      By now you know who Roland Burris is, the Senate appointee of former nutcase Illinois Governor Blago, and by now you know why I was sort of freaking out when he was picked. I served four years with Roland when we were both AG’s and I knew this would not have a happy ending.      Don’t get me wrong, Roland Burris is a nice enough guy. Actually, he’s a real life George Jefferson---looks like him, acts like him---and I don’t begrudge him moving on up. But apparently he wasn’t talking to Lweezie on the phone right before his appointment. Even though he testified under oath that he had not had conversations with the Governor or his staff and had never raised money for the Governor, it now turns out that he was indeed talking about just that with Blago’s brother and his staff, and he did TRY to raise money and organize a fundraiser.       Its just that nobody gave him any money, not that he didn’t try.       Roland was memorable in his brief tenure as AG, whether it was bringing bodyguards with machine guns to the golf course in Pennsylvania or giving a speech in Seattle on The American With a Disability Act (apparently it applies only to one guy in a wheelchair in Des Moines). Note: it hurts your credibility when you give a speech on a famous law and get the name wrong. But I never dreamed he could run the risk of being two and through---two months! His main hope is that nobody will want to go through the bother of throwing him out given all of the other problems the Senate is wrestling with, but they ought to take a few minutes and boot him out anyway. Seriously, his maid Florence would do a better job than this guy.       The not-so-good Senator from Illinois has a gigantic crypt that he has prepared for himself that lists, carved in marble, every good deed he has ever done. Since he included being Vice-President of the Key Club his junior year in high school, there’s not much room left. But I’m sure he could squeeze in Shortest Tenure in US Senate history, if his colleagues had the cajones to send him packing. If that doesn’t happen, he can carve in Proud Recipient of the Week’s Woody.

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AND THIS WEEK'S WOODY AWARD GOES TO....

FORMER LOS ANGELES CLIPPERS AND NBA HALL OF FAMER ELGIN BAYLOR      This past week, the LA Clippers and their owner, along with the NBA, were sued by former Clipper General Manager Elgin Baylor for racial discrimination. This is a guy who collected paychecks for 13 years as a player and 22 years as a GM, and now it appears that they were actually discriminating against him by hiring and paying him for those 35 years. He also says in the lawsuit that he was unceremoniously released from his GM position, because, I guess that he’s black.       This is a major league bad joke. The only bigger joke was the crummy job that Baylor did for the Clippers for over TWO DECADES, and they still didn’t fire him. In 22 years under his leadership, they made the playoffs a grand total of three times and got thumped early each time. Because of their perpetual sorry record, they always got great draft picks which he squandered or when he did land someone good they would beat cheeks out of town at the first opportunity.       The owner, lawyer/businessman Donald Sterling says he thinks there must be some mistake because he and the Big E are very, very close. Obviously another bad eval by Sterling. Very, very close friends don’t sue each other for racism. Poor Clipper fans.       What must it be like to have a rich owner who is clueless about hoop and a GM who was a good player, but clueless on how to direct a basketball organization? Oops, I forgot, we know what its like. It stinks. Maybe our owner, Richie Rich, can rescue Elgin from racism and bring him here to screw up the Suns even worse. As if that’s possible.      For stealing a paycheck for 22 years and then claiming racism, Elgin Baylor gets this week’s Woody.

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THIS WEEK'S WOODY AWARD GOES TO....

DEBORAH & HEATH CAMPBELL      The father of 3-year-old Adolf Hitler Campbell is upset that his local ShopRite supermarket refused to put his son’s name on a birthday cake and is asking for a little tolerance. “People need to start focusing on the future and not on the past,” he says. “They need to accept a name. A name’s a name. The kid sn’t going to grow up and do what Hitler did.” He says they named their son after Adolf Hitler because they liked the name and because “no one else in the world would have that name.” He sounded surprised by the controversy the dispute has generated. “There’s a new president and he says it’s time for a change; well, then it’s time for a change.” The Campbells other two children also have unusual names: JoyceLynn Aryan Nation Campbell turns two in a few months and Honzlynn Hinler Jeannie Campbell will be one in April.      This has got to be close to child abuse. Even if I thought that the names Lee Harvey had a nice ring to it, I think I would pass on naming my kid that. Some names are marginal—Karie, Chuck, Marcus—others are just sick. Little Adolf’s moronic and slightly scary parents, Heath and Deborah Campbell get this week’s Woody.

 CHECK OUT THIS VIDEO CLIP FROM COUNTDOWN ON MSNBC 

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AND THE WOODY AWARD GOES TO....

These young women, who were fired from KFC in Redding, CA after posting this now famous video on You Tube, are this week’s WOODY AWARD winners.  Watch below as they don their bikinis and take a shower in the industrial sink at KFC.  Kind of makes you hungry for the secret recipe, right?

CHECK OUT THIS VIDEO CLIP OF BARKLEY'S REACTION TO GRANT'S WOODY AWARD SELECTION